Monday, April 6, 2009

Am I too blue for you?

I've been in a bit of a funk lately.

I've let the house become a mess again (although it's still manageable). I'm dining on garbage. I've found myself spending most of my free time sitting in front of the television, often dozing off and waking up hours later.

I occasionally find the motivation to break up this cycle, (Saturday morning, I went for a short hike) but soon find myself in front of the television again eating junk food.

And I look at myself and I'm pretty grossed out. It is so lame to complain about how fat you are, but I can barely recognize myself. And when I feel so ugly, I am less interested in being intimate with Husband. So, this little rut I've found myself in is affecting my relationships as well.

What got me here? That's what I'm asking myself. Sometimes I think that I'm just overstressed at work. Maybe it has to do with how infrequently I see my friends. On a more melodramatic level, it may have to do with my recent inability to have any faith or belief in God or any kind of divinity. I don't want to say that I feel hopeless, but the feeling that there is no
"higher power," is a pretty hopeless notion.

I've been in this sort of place before, and I don't expect it to last long. I booked a weekend retreat at a nearby ashram with the hopes that it will be rejuvenating. I've also got a date with a dear friend to have coffee in a week or so. If you're reading this and you want to help, you can invite me out for a drink or a walk or a bite to eat. If you're reading this and you know God, tell him to pay me a visit.

I hope this doesn't sound terribly melancholy. As I'm reading back over it, I see that I sound pretty emo. As far as blue spells go, this one is pretty mild. But I could use a friend to get me off the couch and out into the sunshine.


MillielovesMolly said...

Awww. This makes me so sad. I miss you and want to share all our beautiful Florida sunshine with you...although our hiking here is rather crummy. :( BUT I need someone to share my coffee with!! :( Love you!

KCShipe said...

This post kind of made me wonder - if God paid you a visit in some way, would you listen to Him?

Molly said...

Thanks for reading and commenting, KCShipe!

This is something that I have struggled with for many years. I have gone from religion to religion to science to religion and have not yet been satisfied with what I have found.

I assume you are one of Millie's in-laws? You may send me an e-mail at if you are interested in learning more about my search. I feel that it is a bit too personal to share on the internet for just anyone to see.

Carol said...

Molly, I'm always here for you, beautiful girl. And you know what my first question is...

As I write this it is a month after your original post. How do you feel today?