What Keeps Me Sane

I've struggled with chronic anxiety since I was in high school, and I get easily overwhelmed. I was having a particularly bad day recently, and I said to Husband, "It's days like this that make me want to drop everything, pack a backpack with just a few essentials, and take off into the wilderness."

"I don't think I fit into a backpack," Husband said. And suddenly, I didn't feel so eager to get away. It's so nice to be reminded what is important, when all the little things are stressing me out.

And in other news, Husband and I went on a rare date this weekend. We jumped in the car and drove up to Baltimore to see the world-class aquarium there, and wander around the inner harbor. We hardly ever do things like this, so it's that much more special when we do.

Here's a funny bird we saw in the rain forest exhibit:

Mo Money, Mo Problems.

You hear all the time that money is the most common topic of marital arguments. I think that Husband and I have done a great job of managing our finances in a way that allows us to avoid arguing about money most of the time. That's not to say, however, that money isn't a problem for us. And when I say that money is a problem for us, I mean that it's a problem for me, and therefore for Husband as well. That's part off what marriage is, sharing our problems.

You see I'm not great with money. I find that I'm either struggling with money, or I don't think I'm struggling and later I find out that I actually was struggling, but I didn't find out until it's too late. At that point, my frustrated Husband has to bail me out. This has happened more often than I'd like to admit. And I'm not so foolish as to think that that doesn't put a strain on our relationship.

So, Husband and I had a little discussion about how I can better manage my money, and he'll help me out a little bit. What we'll do is a little financial housekeeping that we should have done a long time ago. We'll combine our car insurance into one policy so that it will cost us less and will get paid for out of our joint funds, rather than each of us paying our own. We'll also use joint funds to pay for our cell phones.

Here's the hard part: Husband wants me to build a safety buffer in my personal account like he has in his. This has been a goal of mine forever, but I've never been able to manage it. And I know he'll be hounding me about it.

Being Alive

Ok, at risk of sounding like one of those angsty teenagers who talks about how a certain song describes perfectly how she feels about her boyfriend, here goes:

Last night I was watching the musical Company on PBS (frequently interrupted by PBS representatives begging for money, of course). I used to love this show when I was in high school, but hadn't really seen it since.

So when Robert's big number came at the finale of the second act, what he had to say (er...sing?) hit me harder than ever. You see, he's singing about marriage and why he has avoided it, and yet why he also longs for it; and it struck me because I always find myself defending my unconventional relationship with my own husband, but Robert's words described exactly the sort of relationship Husband and I have.

Somebody, hold me too close, (Sometimes, he likes to
get in my space and smother me just to laugh at my claustrophobic
reaction.)

Somebody, hurt me too deep, (he does it too often
to count, I probably do it to him too.)

Somebody, sit in my chair

And ruin my sleep (Have I mentioned our disparate
work schedules?)

And make me aware

Of being alive,

Being alive.

Somebody, need me too much, (The man is helpless, I
tell you, HELPLESS.)

Somebody, know me too well, (we have a super hard
time keeping secrets from each-other.)

Somebody, pull me up short

And put me through hell

And give me support

For being alive,

Make me alive.

Make me confused, (So often, I ask myself why I
love this guy so much, and I just don't have the answer. I'm not even sure
I need the answer anymore.)

Mock me with praise, (Oh the sarcasm.)

Let me be used,

Vary my days.

But alone is alone, not alive.

Somebody, crowd me with love,

Somebody, force me to care, (He and I just don't
have the same interests, so this is an ongoing thing for both of us.
"Honey, it's not just any opera, it's TRAVIATA!")

Somebody, make me
come through,

I'll always be there,

As frightened as you,

To help us survive

Being alive,

Being alive,

Being alive!

This has been your daily mushiness. You can thank me later.

photo by Sandy Underwood: Raul Esparza in Company

From the Mouths of Babes. . .

As a newlywed, it is so easy to get caught up in trying to meet others' expectations of marriage. I often worry about what other couples think when they see me flying solo so frequently. I'm constantly having to answer the question: "Where's your husband?"

But today, a friend of mine shared this clip from a favorite childhood TV institution

I watched it and thought, you know if those are the standards that my marriage is being held up against, then Husband and I are marriage experts!

The Perfect Marriage?

In keeping with my obsession with the Obamas, here's a great article from Newsweek about how my generation looks to the Obamas marriage as a model for our own.

Republicans are People Too!

If you know me, you know that I'm pretty outspoken about my political positions. I'm a pretty firm liberal, and I don't really get along with Republicans and other conservative politicians. I'm not afraid to mock major figureheads of the Republican party and I can be pretty ruthless.

Every once in a while, however, I am put back in my place. Watching this clip on the news this morning reminded me that even if I don't agree with some one's politics, that person is still a human who has fears, and hopes, and a family whom he loves, and who love him back.

Blending Traditions

My dear friend Millie recently described how she observed the traditions of her husband's family blending with the tradition of her own family right in their kitchen.

Wisdome of our Elders

My grandmother, whom I call Mockie, is the poster child for "Better Homes and Gardens," or any other housekeeping tome. Her humble single-story home in Georgia is always immaculate. The garden bursts with perennial flowers every spring; tantalizing scents drift out of her kitchen; and the woman literally vacuums the floors every day. (Am I the only person who thinks that's nuts? I had a roommate once who insisted on vacuuming every day, and I'd be like "um...you vacuumed yesterday...")



Mockie is also the matriarch of a very large extended family with four generations living today. She and my grandfather (may he rest in peace) raised four boys who grew up to be the kind of men you would be happy for your daughter to marry (just ask their mothers-in-law!)



I recently asked her (along with a few other women who have influenced the woman that I have become) how she thinks a homemaker can relate to the Feminist movement. "When I was younger I probably was not ,or did not think of myself as a feminist, there was no such thing at that time," she told me.



She married my Grandad in 1948, a time when America was still rejoicing over the end of the hardships caused by World War II. Women who had joined the workforce while their husbands and sons were fighting in Europe and the Pacific were now returning to their traditional roles as homemakers. "I loved your grandfather, always thinking that if he made the living it was my duty to do my household responsibilities: washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning, and rearing four sons."



I've just finished reading the first chapter of Betty Friedan's iconic manifesto, "The Feminine Mystique," where the author describes how women of this era did not feel fulfilled by homemaking alone but were unable to voice their trouble, thinking that their feelings were unjustified. It is possible that my grandmother felt this way too. She said that she sometimes felt resentful when my grandfather spent his weekends away from the house playing golf, leaving her to look after the boys for a sixth and maybe seventh day that week. "But as the boys grew . . . we began to join him, swimming and picnicking."



"Now I realize that I probably evolved as a feminist," Mockie said, "When our son's married I made it plain to them that as long as their wives worked, and contributed to the income, it was their responsibility to do their part in the household duties and the rearing of the children. "



Husband and I do work together to maintain our home. In fact, recently as I've been making more than my usual effort to keep our apartment tidy, he has been more eager to help out.



Husband and I have only been married for a few months, but we are already learning what Mockie told me about marriage: "It is not easy. It is not always perfect, there will be good times sometimes not so good, but the good outweigh the bad. It takes a lot of working together to make it work."



She finished by telling me that she is "no authority on marriage," but I think the almost 60 years that she and my Grandad spent together speak for themselves.

I'm going on vacation--without you!

In the months leading up to my wedding, my mother felt compelled to make sure I wasn't making a decision I would regret. She and my father married young and later divorced, and I frequently get the sense that she wants to keep me from going down the same path.

One of the things she said to me on several occasions was something like this: "What are you going to do when you want to go backpacking through Europe, and Husband isn't interested?" My usual response was, "I'll go without him."

Now, I'm happy to read in this article from time.com that doing that won't harm our relationship. In fact, traveling independently from each other could even strengthen our marriage!

So, Sister, how about that trip to Luxembourg?

8 Things No One Tells You About Marriage

Since I havn't had time to come up with new posts lately, I figure I'll let someone else do the work for me. I found this great article about what to expect in marriage on WebMD.com while I was trying to figure out why I've been sleeping 10 hours a night and am still tired in the morning. (More on that later.)

It's a very good article, although, I bet any woman who has been married for a substantial length of time could have told me the same things. Maybe I should consult my grandmother about it.

Home for the Holidays

The question is, whose home?

Although Husband and I have only been married a couple months, we have been living together for two years, and dating for over six. So, the "where will we spend the holidays?" question is one we've gotten used to struggling over.

Last Thanksgiving, we decided to do a double-header. Our parents live about an hour's drive apart from each other, so we planned on having a Thanksgiving lunch with his family and then Thanksgiving dinner with mine. Sound exhausting? It was.

This year, deciding that we were not up for a repeat of last year's hectic rush, we went back and forth quite a bit before finally making the decision to have Thanksgiving with my family. I happily announced to my mother that she "won," only to be told that she wasn't expecting us and had made plans to go out of town! I was completely disappointed. Fortunately, after some discussion, she and my step-father decided that if we would spend Thanksgiving with them, they would stay home.

Christmas, is still up in the air. Because of Husband's job, he may need to work on Christmas. His family traditionally exchanges gifts on Christmas Eve, so there would be no loss there; but I will then be left to spend my first Christmas day as a wife alone with my own family.

I'm sure that will be fine, but I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't feel just a little bit lonely if that is the case.